


the infinite oblivion shattered you like a jar

by Missy_dee811



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Season/Series 12, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, Crying, Episode: s12e06 Celebrating the Life of Asa Fox, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-14 13:26:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29917578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy_dee811/pseuds/Missy_dee811
Summary: An unexpected arrival at the funeral of Asa Fox beckons questions Dean's unprepared to answer.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	the infinite oblivion shattered you like a jar

**Author's Note:**

  * For [mrhd](https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrhd/gifts).



> The title is from Pablo Neruda's [The Song of Despair](https://poets.org/poem/song-despair).

All things considered; it had been a smooth drive.

After Jody finished packing, and her bags were in the trunk, Sam offered her the passenger’s seat. She took it graciously. Sam didn’t want her sitting in the backseat, lost in her thoughts. They had all lost people, but this was sudden; unexpected. And she couldn’t shake it off. Sam knew sitting in the backseat would make it far too easy for Jody to get lost in her thoughts, and he wasn’t going to let that happen. Not if he could help it.

Dean slid into Baby and looked over at Jody. She was looking ahead, but her eyes were still glassy. At least she wasn’t crying anymore. He wasn’t sure he could handle that. He had never known how to handle tears. He had cried so many times while driving down winding roads and quiet stretches of highway, but he did his best to keep it under check. He made sure to wait until Sammy was asleep.

Jody, sensing his thoughts, turned, and offered him a quiet smile. She was grateful for their company.

Some days, he forgot she was a woman. She was a flesh and blood woman who cried and bled. There was something superhuman about Jody. She had lost her husband and her son in the worst of ways, but she persevered. She was still sheriff and had taken up hunting. And she was a damn good hunter. And now, she was raising Alex and Claire.

He didn’t know anyone like her. He didn’t know anyone with her capacity to love again after such loses. She put her trust in them, and she put her trust in Alex and Claire. Now, it seemed she had put her trust in Asa. And he was gone.

They were on the Interstate when he looked over to see her leaning against the window and Sam, scrolling through his phone. _Who was he texting?_ It was then he decided they weren’t going to drive up to Canada in this tense silence.

“Open up the glove compartment,” he said to Jody.

Pulled from her reverie, she nodded, and opened it.

“Pull out the cassettes and pick your favorites,” he said. He kept his eyes on the road but saw Sam’s eyes widen in the rear-view mirror. He knew he wasn’t going to live this down.

“He doesn’t let anyone pick the music,” said Sam, flabbergasted.

Dean nodded. “I really don’t. Driver chooses, but I’m making an exception.”

Jody started rummaging through the tapes until she found a few she liked. She chuckled softly. “I’m surprised, not even the angel?”

_No, the angel has his own cassette. We play that when we’re alone in the car. He looks at me wistfully, and I try to keep my composure, but never can._

“Just pick something,” he said, not unkindly.

Maybe it was because he kept thinking of his mom — of Mary. For so long, she had been this otherworldly thing, unlike any of the things they regularly encountered. She lived on in his memories, in the stories his dad told, and the pictures he kept in his drawer, but she had ceased to be. That was, until Amara had seen to that.

And seeing Mary at the end of it all had been…everything.

It was everything he could’ve wanted. They’d done it. They’d saved the world, and no one had to die. And after 30 years of wishing for the day she’d come back, there she was.

But he didn’t know her. Truth be told, he had never known her, but he knew that now.

Though they had met when she was younger, before his dad came into the picture, and long before they’d married, it hadn’t been the same. She wasn’t Mary Winchester. She was Mary Campbell. And in his mind, they were separate and distinct. The Mary he met — who was trying to escape hunting, the family business, and her legacy — that Mary he could understand.

This Mary — who returned to an earth she had left over 30 years ago, who couldn’t look her adult sons in the eye when she spoke — she might as well have been a stranger. He thought he could understand. He had spent four months and 40 years in hell. He knew what it was like to come back, changed, to a place that had also changed.

But it wasn’t that he couldn’t understand, it was that she didn’t. She didn’t understand them. She couldn’t understand why they were still hunting when they’d avenged her death a decade ago. She didn’t understand why they had avenged her death in the first place. And Dean didn’t know how to answer. It was all he had ever known. Couldn’t she understand that?

He didn’t know how to do anything else, and the one time he had tried, it blew up in his face.

Some nights, he still thought of that demon taunting him with Lisa’s face and Lisa’s voice, but he didn’t speak of it. Couldn’t speak of it to Sam. Wouldn’t dare mention it to Castiel.

Meeting Mary Campbell was a glimpse into the woman she had been, but the woman she was now? She scared him. They were so alike, and yet she was so unnerved by who they were and what they’d become. She spent that first night reading dad’s journal. Sam thought it would be the easiest way to get her up to speed, and he agreed, but it left him feeling hollow.

To her, these would be but words on a page. Yet, these were their memories. They weren’t just events recounted for posterity.

They listened to the cassettes Jody had picked and found themselves singing along. She was in much better spirits when they arrived, for which Dean was pleased.

Once inside, they made their way around the house. First, offering their condolences to Asa’s mother, and later introducing themselves to the other hunters. He was happily surprised to hear how far some of them had driven for the memorial. He hoped that when his time came, hunters would gather and recount stories of their times together.

It comforted him, though he tried not to think of all the missing people; those they had lost along the way.

While in the kitchen, Dean had made the mistake of mentioning the wendigo killings. When he said the word, everyone around him took a swig of their drink. He sighed. He hated being caught off guard, and though he knew it was all fun and games, he made a note to tell Sam.

Sam made quick friends with the twins: Max and Alicia Banes. They were witches and hunters, they explained. Their mother taught them everything they knew. She was a witch who hunted those who abused of their magic and raised her kids in the life. If only all the witches they encountered were like the Banes.

By the end of the conversation, they had exchanged numbers with the promise of keeping in contact. Dean never knew when they’d need to call on someone with their expertise, and it never hurt to make friends. Charlie would be proud.

Besides, it was easy to talk to them and they seemed to have a strong bond, not unlike the one he had with Sam.

After some time, they’d settled in the den. He and Sam stood near the wall, listening to the others recount their hunts with Asa. There was a knock at the door. Asa’s mom answered the door and they made their way to the den.

When Dean looked up, he saw that all eyes were on the figure walking through the door.

“Mom?” said Sam.

“Cas?” he said.

_No, no. This didn’t make any sense. Why was Cast hunting with his mom? Why hadn’t he called? Why hadn’t he said anything?_

“Hello, Dean,” said Castiel. The other hunters turned to face Dean, who made his way to stand beside Castiel, who was still standing next to Mary.

“This is Castiel,” said Mary.

“You’re an angel, _his_ angel” said one of the hunters in the far corner, pointing at Dean.

“Yes,” said Castiel, but didn’t extrapolate.

“And this is Mary Winchester, our mother,” said Sam, moving to stand beside her as they moved into the room. At that, there was a sharp intake of breath, and then the silence devolved into susurrations. 

_Great._

Dean shook his head. He could feel a headache starting to form. They didn’t need more stories to go around about them.

He needed a drink to calm his nerves. He left the room and made his way back to the kitchen. He knew he was being followed and he knew who was following him, but he didn’t turn around until he had a beer in his hands.

“You could’ve called,” said Dean.

Castiel looked apologetic but didn’t apologize.

“Did she ask you not to call?”

“Mary found some sigils and needed help. She’s not familiar with Enochian since there were no angels on earth during her time as a hunter. I offered my assistance, as I’ve offered it to you many a time,” said Castiel.

He watched Dean drink his beer.

“Should you be drinking so quickly?”

“Please don’t lecture me,” said Dean, holding up a hand. “Did she ask you to keep it a secret?”

Castiel couldn’t meet his eyes. Mary had asked him to keep their partnership a secret from her sons. She had said she didn’t want them to think she was unwilling to hunt with them, though that was the truth. She was hoping to spare them.

“Dean…”

“Yeah, yeah. That’s what I thought,” he said, reaching for another beer.

Castiel reached for his hand before he could grab another bottle by the neck. Dean stilled at the contact.

“Cas…”

“I’m sorry. I haven’t been around. I see, now, that I shouldn’t have left you,” he said.

Dean pulled him into a hug and Castiel wrapped his arms around the hunter.

“I —”

“You don’t need to say it,” said Castiel.

“No, I do. I _really_ do. I missed you,” said Dean.

At that, Sam cleared his throat.

“How long have you been standing there,” said Dean, as he pulled away and reached for the beer.

“Long enough,” said Sam. He met Castiel’s eyes but didn’t say anything more.

“Mom’s asking about you," said Sam, moving into the room and reaching for a beer next to his brother.

“That’s nice. She could come talk to me herself if she cared enough,” said Dean, bitterly. With the bottle in hand, he made his way out of the kitchen. Leaving Castiel and Sam in stunned silence.

“I didn’t realize it was this tense between them,” said Castiel. He took a seat at the table and Sam followed his lead.

“Honestly, me either.”

In the hallway, Jody and his mom were talking. She had introduced herself. Telling Mary how she had met the Winchesters, how she had started hunting, and fostered Alex and Claire. Mary nodded along, but her attention shifted when she saw Dean walking toward them.

“I’m sorry, Jody. We can pick this back up, but I have to talk to my son,” she said, as she walked away.

“Dean! Dean, please,” she said. She reached for his shoulder.

Hundreds of people had touched his shoulder, in passing. And hundreds of people had touched the mark, but this was the first time she touched had touched the mark, and he flinched.

She stepped back, unsure. Unsteady.

_This was all wrong._

“Can we talk outside? They already think we’re celebrities.”

Mary nodded and followed her son out the front door.

“What the fuck, mom? You take off, don’t call, and now I find out you’re hunting with Cas?”

Dean was pacing between Baby and the tree in the front yard.

Mary stood, her hands in her pockets, and didn’t say anything.

“I — I get it. I do, I went to hell and back and Sam was running around with a demon. My stint in hell saved his life and I had no fucking clue what was going on. I had no idea what had happened to him in the time I was gone,” said Dean.

He moved toward the tree and leaned against the trunk.

“I get that it’s a shock to see your kids as we are now. I had to meet a younger version of you who hadn’t met dad yet. So, if there’s anyone in this life who understands you, it’s me. But I can’t do this. I can’t do this, mom. I’ve lost too many people, but you feel further away now than you had ever been before. And it’s killing me.”

He took a deep breath. He wouldn’t cry. Not in front of her, not outside this house.

“The Darkness herself brought you back. And I’m trying to make the most of it, but mom… I need you to play your part. I need you to try,” he said.

He ran his hands through his hair and straightened up.

“I’m sorry, Dean. I — I didn’t want you to feel this way. I didn’t want it to be like this,” said Mary.

She stood before her son and titled his chin. She wanted to meet his eyes. She was surprised to see there were tears. His voice didn’t break when he spoke.

“I’m tired, mom. I just… I don’t know what I want, but it isn’t this feeling,” he said.

She pulled him close and he nestled against her willing himself not to cry.

“I was just… I was just trying to get a feel for hunting again,” she said, pulling away. Dean looked at the gravel.

She put her hands back in her pockets. “I took your father’s journal. I’ve been chasing some loose ends. I prayed to Castiel for assistance and he showed. I asked him to keep it between us, just until I was ready to face you and your brother,” she said.

Dean started pacing again.

After a few minutes had passed, Mary asked, “How long?”

Dean looked up and eyed her quizzically.

“How long have you and Castiel been together?”

Dean was taken aback by the question. He was quiet for a few moments, unsure how to answer. In the end, he opted for the truth. “He raised me from perdition. His words, not mine,” he said.

Dean moved closer and started taking off his jacket and the flannel shirt he was wearing. Mary watched, confused, but didn’t comment. At last, he pulled up the sleeve of his undershirt so she could see the mark there. Once again, he said, “He raised me from perdition.”

Mary stared at him wide-eyed, not unlike Sam in Baby earlier.

“Were you always into men?”

Dean shook his head. “No, maybe — hell, I don’t know. I had one girlfriend in high school and two more after I got my GED. Dad and I were always on hunts, so I didn’t have time to socialize. And I didn’t go away to college like Sammy.”

Grabbing his jacket, he started to make his way back to the house. Midway, he stopped and turned back to see she hadn’t moved. He walked back to where she stood.

“Mom, I was 29 when I went to hell. And Castiel was the angel who pulled me out of the pit. I owe him my everything,” said Dean.

“He loves you. Do you love him?”

“Of course,” said Dean.

“Would you have said anything if I hadn’t asked?”

“No, I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t have said anything not because I don’t want you to know, but because I don’t want to share this. I don’t want to share him. I’ve lost him before, and I don’t think I could handle losing him again.”

Mary reached for his hand. “I knew, from the moment I saw the two of you hug in the library. And he’s told me all about you on our hunts. You have my blessing,” she said.

He let the tears fall and she wiped them away.

Once they were back inside, Mary resumed her conversation with Jody. And when Mary asked Jody if she knew about Dean and the angel, Jody couldn’t help but smile. “I had my suspicions. I mean, we all do. But no, I didn’t know,” she said.

And Mary understood what Dean meant when he said he didn’t want to share. She asked Jody to keep it secret, if only for a little while longer. She knew, with all the hunters gathered, it would be difficult for the secret to stay as such for too long.

“Not sure how Claire’s going to take it,” said Jody. “She might be happy.”

Sam and Castiel were waiting for Dean in the kitchen. Other hunters had come and gone. Castiel had noticed their questioning glances, but thus far, none had been brave enough to ask, save for the beer or ice. Dean made his way back to the kitchen, knowing Castiel would be waiting. He was thankful to find only Sam was keeping him company.

Castiel looked up and searched his face. He noted his eyes were wet, but he wasn’t crying.

Sam moved to excuse himself and Dean stopped him at the door.

“How long have you known?”

Sam scoffed. “Dean, you can’t be serious? I live with you. I’ve known for years. And I get it, I get why you keep quiet. Cas is my friend, too,” said Sam.

Dean pulled him into a hug.

“Does he get to pick the music?”

“Get out,” said Dean, swatting his arm.

Castiel laughed, softly. 

“I apologize, a gathering of hunters wasn’t the way you wanted to come out,” said Castiel.

Dean took the seat next to him. “Really wasn’t the plan.”

Castiel placed his palm on Dean’s thigh and Dean scooted closer.

“You told mom,” he said, searching his face.

Castiel nodded. “Mary had her suspicions, I only confirmed them. I asked her to keep it secret. I believe she misunderstood the reason why.”

“Yeah, she did,” said Dean.

“She took it well. I’ve come to understand that parents aren’t always the most forgiving, especially when their children turn out to be markedly different,” said Castiel.

Dean noted the choice of words and smirked.

“She gave us her blessing,” he said. He placed his hand on top of Castiel's on his thigh. 

“Oh," he said quietly. 

“Yeah, I know, angel. I know. Kiss me,” said Dean, smiling.

Castiel cupped his cheek and pulled him into a slow, languid kiss. He had missed this.

The next morning, after the funeral, Mary offered to drive Jody back to Sioux Falls. Jody accepted her offer. They were quickly becoming friends, Dean noted. They gathered around Baby and said their goodbyes. When Jody hugged him, she whispered, “Congratulations. Don’t lose him.”

Dean nodded and turned to face Castiel, who was saying goodbye to his mom.

_My mother came back from the dead and my partner is a fallen angel._

Jody had been hugging Sam, who came to stand next to Dean. “On the way home, mom and I will sit in the back. Haven’t had a chance to talk to her much,” he said.

Dean nodded. He was still looking at Castiel and his mom, who were still talking.

“You know, she used to say angels were watching over me. I didn’t believe it. I still don’t, not really.”

“He watches over you,” said Sam.

Once they were on the highway, Castiel opened the glove compartment. Instead of taking out the box of cassettes, he pulled out a cassette that was on the side. Dean smiled. From the rear-view mirror, he could see Sam and his mom resting against each other’s heads. He turned to look at Castiel and said, “Go ahead, angel. They’re asleep.”

Castiel put in the tape and sat back to listen to his favorite songs.

Sometime later, Dean reached for his hand, and their fingers interlocked.

**Author's Note:**

> You can follow me on Tumblr.


End file.
